


The Brightest Star

by Geradsredskittle666



Category: MASH (TV)
Genre: ADHD!HawkeyePierce, Abandonment Issues, Angst, Anxiety, Autistic Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce, Autistic!HawkeyePierce, BJ Hunnicut trys to forget the war, BJ just wants to forget, Bisexual Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce, Depression, Disordered Eating, Hawkeye Pierce is bad at feelings, Hawkeye struggles to adjust in civillian life, Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, M/M, Panic Attacks, Period Typical Attitudes, Period-Typical Homophobia, Plutonic affection between men, Post-Goodbye Farewell and Amen, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rejection, Repression, War related trauma, author is autistic, peggy fixes everything
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-20
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-18 22:47:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28874796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Geradsredskittle666/pseuds/Geradsredskittle666
Summary: The war is over and everyone has gone home. Our two local idiots  in love are idiots (in love). Hawkeye finds it hard to adjust and BJ is busy pretending the war never happened. Can BJ make up for it by saving Hawkeye? Well, Peggy will surely give a go! ADHD!Hawkeye, Autistic!Hawkeye, Neurodivergent!Hawkeye, Autistic!BJ, Neurodivergent!BJ. Pairings: Hawkeye/BJ
Relationships: B. J. Hunnicutt/Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce
Kudos: 8





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own MASH or any of its property. I make no profit off this work and do not intend to. I write to entertain.

AN: Set after the series finale. The war is over and everyone has gone home. ADHD!Hawkeye, Autistic!Hawkeye, Neurodivergent!Hawkeye, Autistic!BJ, Neurodivergent!BJ

Two travellers end their journey

Their dance is finally over

Only the night knows their secret now

One traveller goes right, the other left.

One looks back

The other does not

If the star crossed lovers could meet again

Could it ever be expressed

What they each meant by goodbye?

That one could never forget

That the other would do everything possible to forget

Could a false sorry be uttered

Could fate truly keep them apart for long?

They were soulmates

They were lovers

They were playmates

But they were all too human

The only flaw in the romance

Perhaps fates only flaw

Hawkeye:

After the war had ended, nothing felt real. It was like he had died sometime during the war but no one had told him. His was just a walking ghost. It was hard to remember he was even alive. That he had a body, a body that had needs like food and water. Sleep.

His father had offered him a position at the clinic, but Hawkeye didn’t feel ready to return back to civilian life just yet. He wanted to wait till he was ready. But he never seemed to feel ready.

He could understand his symptoms from a doctors perspective but he was still confused about how he really felt. The last three years had not prepared him for a quiet life. There was no emergency here. No push. No reason to get up. No friends to cheer out of their stupefied zombie states. He had laughed and joked to see them smile, but they had also made him smile. Now he had no reason to laugh and smile.

He didn’t even feel human anymore.

He knew his father was concerned. He didn’t like see his father worried. So he hatched a plan. “I think I might just need some time to process things, so I’m going to California. I’ll visit Beej and talk things over. I’m not sure how long I'll be but uh...it will be fine.” He proposed one night over dinner.

His father looked relieved. “I think that’s a good idea. The practice did well while you were off in Korea, so I have some savings you can use. Rent a nice place, something with a nice view. Take the time you need.” He offered.

Hawkeye felt guilty about the lie but he was secretly relieved too. He didn’t want to worry his father.

And so it happened that a week later, Hawkeye was in a hotel in California, looking for a place to rent for a few months. He had a small income sent monthly by the army, plus the savings his father had sent to his account. If needed, his father could send more.

He managed to find a room, cheap. Plus the landlord was kind; he was happy to work with Hawkeye if there was any issues. He said that he respected the troops, and the doctors who had helped “America win the war”. Hawkeye felt vaguely sick upon hearing that but didn’t begrudge the help. After three years of war, he knew survival sometimes meant compromising ones values. Instead he had smiled politely and thanked him. He had happily paid the bond and would move in with in the week.

BJ:

He was home! He was finally home! He could hug his daughter! He could kiss his wife!

He was anxious to fit right in. He immediately started all the tasks Peg had been doing. Peg helped. He thought that this might have been a terrible idea but it had helped him fall back into rhythm with her. Soon they were back to family life.

He spent every moment he could with Erin. His daughter made the war seem like nothing more than a bad dream. He could forget.

At night the war came back, as the worst of dreams. He would wake up shaking, eventually he would calm and try to forget again.

He only started feeling guilty when the letters started arriving. All his friends from the 4077th. He left them unopened. Even the ones from “Benjamin Franklin Pierce”. To read them would be confirming the reality he was too eager to deny.

He had left as BJ Hunnicut, became “Beej” or “BJ”. He was BJ Hunnicut again. “Mr Hunnicut” to everyone. Not “BJ”. Certainly not “Beej”.

Peg must have realised it too, because the letters vanished soon after arriving. Maybe she threw them out. Maybe she kept them. Either way, what did it matter?


	2. 2

AN: Set after the series finale. The war is over and everyone has gone home. ADHD!Hawkeye, Autistic!Hawkeye, Neurodivergent!Hawkeye, Autistic!BJ, Neurodivergent!BJ

Two travellers slept beside eachother

Two travellers slept under different stars

Two travellers sleep under the same stars

A lover bleeds black

As the stars keep watch

A lover bleeds red

He is drowning in a sea of blood

But no blow is as fatal as the one he strikes himself

If the soulmates could see how the other bleeds

Would it change thier course?

Hawkeye:

He almost did it a few times, tried to call BJ. Then he set down to pen a letter, informing his best friend that he was going to be in town for a while. Then burned the letter.

He had written many letters to his friend, only to recieve no reply. Not even a returned letter unopened. He couldn’t understand it, why was his best friend acting like this? What had he done to offend Beej?

Hadn’t they been friends? Hadn’t they had fun? Hadn’t they truly felt a connection like no other?

He had a thought that made his stomach drop. Had Beej been acting the whole time? Was there friendship just an elaborate prank to preserve sanity?

Tears came to his eyes at the rejection. It couldn’t be true! He refused to believe it!

Still the wave of rejection threatened to crush him, he sobbed and sobbed, finally falling asleep.

When he woke, he glared at the notepad, if that was what BJ thought of him: then so be it! He wouldn’t write anymore. He wouldn’t even think about BJ. He wouldn’t even say hello if thier pathes crossed! He wouldn’t beg for the scraps of whatever thier friendship had been.

BJ:

He was living the life had always wanted, a wife and child. A home that was his. So why did it feel wrong? Incomplete? What was missing? Another child?

Maybe another baby would be a good idea. Now that he was around to help, he could ease the pressure of child rearing on Peg. He could see all the things he had missed out on with his daughter. Plus, wouldn’t Erin just love a playmate? Someone to be a good big sister to?

He suggested this to his wife, but she had smiled mysteriously and suggested they take the time to think it over. It was a big decision. Something they all needed to properly think about. Of course that was a smart ruling. Peg was so wise.

He still felt empty, like had hadn’t come home whole. Half of him was missing.

Peg had noticed all this. She knew her husband was struggling, even if he never said anything. He was great with Erin, he was great with the house maintenance and there marriage was great. Still, it wasn’t enough for him. If it wasn’t enough for her husband, it wasn’t enough for her. She was glad to have the things she did: a kind husband, a beautiful daughter and a home. She was lucky.

Still, there was no harm in having more. Her husband was hurting, mourning something. He had come home, but half of his soul was back in Korea. It didn’t take a psychiatrist to see it was someone he had been close to in Korea, BJ’s stack of unopened letters from his friends told her that. But he never mentioned the war, he didn’t like to talk about any of it. Not even his friends. He was desperately clinging to his family life here.

She hated to see him upset, so she had began to read the letters. Maybe they would reveal more. She recognised the names. She felt like she already knew everything about these strangers without ever meeting them.

She read them all, one by one. She liked the way they sounded. Then she had an idea. Maybe all BJ needed was a push. If he could see that he could have both his MASH family and his family here, maybe that could convince him. He didn’t need to choose one. He didn’t need to be unhappy.

She wrote to everyone, suggesting a meetup in California.

Within days letters started arriving. Everyone seemed thrilled. There was only one confirmation missing. “Hawkeye” Pierce. His father had wrote the he was in California working things out, that he had told him that he would meet up BJ. Well she hadn’t heard anything but perhaps Hawkeye had not reached out yet.

But no one had his new address.

She would need to find out where he was.


	3. Chapter 3

AN: Set after the series finale. The war is over and everyone has gone home. ADHD!Hawkeye, Autistic!Hawkeye, Neurodivergent!Hawkeye, Autistic!BJ, Neurodivergent!BJ

A traveller rests far from home

His pack is heavy

He is weary from the storm

A traveller dances again

But he dances with another’s soulmate

But they weather the storm together

Two travellers bleed

And no one can bind the wound

But the others half

How much blood can you really lose?

Before you lose it all

Hawkeye:

A numbness had settled over him.

He thought he had been numb before, but that apathy was nothing compared to this numbness.

He was sick of being rejected. He was sick of others leaving. He was sick of asking ‘why me?’. He was sick of searching for whatever character defect had caused them to leave.

But maybe that was the problem. He was nothing but character defects! He wasn’t good at much; surgery, drinking and jokes. That was it. Maybe poker. Why would anyone want him as a friend?

The thought brought more tears. Trapper had just left. Never a note. Not even a letter. BJ had said goodbye but that had never been followed up with further notes. Both had wives, both had families. Hawkeye had nothing. Just a father. He loved his father of course, but after his father died who would he have? No one. He was essentially alone.

That thought just brought more tears. But he could do alone. Sure he would miss sharing that special bond. Sure he would miss the laughs. Sure he would miss the soft reassuring touches. But he could do alone.

What other choice did he have?

BJ:

He was struggling today. Last nights dream had been particularly awful; the camp was being bombed. There was chaos. Somehow in the chaos, he had lost track of Hawkeye. When he had gone back to look, he found the body, face down in the dirt helmet on. Blood covered Hawkeye’s form and his shirt and pants were soaked through with blood. Too much blood loss. Still BJ checked vitals. No pulse.

He had woken up throughly shaken. Peg had taken the time to calm him, then gave him the morning off. She could handle Erin.

He hadn’t eaten all day, he couldn’t. He threw up anything he kept down.

When he had told her about the dream, she had smiled and found the box of unread letters. She found the stack written by Hawk and given them to her husband. “You don’t have to reply, just read them, okay?” She asked.

She ended up giving him the whole day off.

He found himself reaching for the letters, for once without the same fear. He read each letter he had ignored. It calmed him. Hawk wasn’t dead. His nightmare had been just that. As he went through the stack of letters, became uncomfortable. The first few letters were as he would expect. Then they seemed to lack the same excitement. As each letter was rejected, they seemed more withdrawn. The last letter was hardly personal at all. Even the writing was neat and showed no emotion. He checked the post mark, it was a month old. No letters since.Three a week to just none? It made him uneasy.

Should he write back now? Was it too late?

Hawkeye:

His stomach growled loudly. When had he eaten last...he couldn’t remember.

He managed to get to his feet. He looked through the fridge. He decided on scrambled eggs. He automatically went the motions.

He did feel better after eating. Much less dizzy. Coffee had helped too.

He felt like crap. He was pretty sure he looked it too. He took a shower and shaved, putting on clean clothes. He needed to go grocery shopping. He took a quick look in the mirror, he still looked awful but he looked less like a bum. Probably smelled less like a bum too.

So he made his way to the supermarket. He didn’t miss the concerned looks he received but he ignored them. He just wanted to get in and buy what he needed and leave. He put a packet of bacon in the basket, and was now looking at the egg section. He felt someone politely tap his shoulder. He ignored them.

“It’s Peggy Hunnicut.” She said.

He almost dropped his basket. There she was, just like in her picture. “Hawkeye Pierce” he managed.

She nodded knowingly. “I recognised you from the photo. I didn’t expect to be seeing you around here though” she answered calmly.

“I’m not staying here long, just a few monthes. Maybe longer.” He answered awkwardly.

“Where are you staying? BJ would love it if you could visit! It might do him some good to see a friendly face! I’m arranging a meet up with all his friends from the 4077th. Maybe we can exchange details so I can keep you updated?” She spoke.

A sudden sensation washed over him, pinning him to the spot. His chest felt too tight and he felt dizzy. He didn’t remember falling, but he felt the cold floor against his knees. Someone was holding him. He desperately wished it was BJ. Despite knowing that he had been rejected, he still craved anything he could get. A voice told him to breathe, told him that everything was going to be okay. When he could breathe again, he became aware that she was holding him close. The contact felt good and he didn’t have the energy to reject it.

He had a question that was burning him up. “What did I do to make Beej hate me?” He asked, hating how he sounded like an emotional child.

She paused and looked at him disbelievingly. When it became clear this this wasn’t some kind a joke, she answered. “BJ doesn’t hate you. I don’t think he could hate anyone.” She assured. “Was that why you stopped writing?” She asked.

He didn’t want to believe. “Yeah, I thought he done with me. He wouldn’t be the first.” He commented.

“I know he misses you. He just doesn’t know how to say it. He had a nightmare that you died in Korea, he needed the day to recover.” She told him. I

It didn’t sound like a lie. “He doesn’t hate me?” Was all he could come up with.

She smiled softly at him. “He does not hate you.” She confirmed patiently.

Then he was sobbing again. Hard sobs that shook his tiny frame, muffled by her shirt as she pulled him into a fierce hug. When he finally settled down, she had already made her decision. She was adopting this one. She was taking him home and no one could stop her. This was her husband’s best friend. This was what he had left behind. This beautiful man would be just what they all needed.

He was exhausted. She didn’t bother asking if he could support his own weight. She didn’t care how it looked; she merely picked him up and carried him to the car. The store owner looked relieved. They knew Peggy so they helped her out by opening the car. There eyes went to the tags around Hawkeye’s neck. “Korea?” They asked.

She nodded. “Thanks, I’ll be by tomorrow. I have a more important delivery to make first I think” she said.

BJ:

The car pulls up, it’s early though...did something go wrong?

Peg hovered by the door. “I found something at the supermarket that I think you should see...”she said, voice full of affection.

He followed her out. He stops dead in his tracks, “Hawkeye” he whispers and suddenly everything felt right again. Suddenly everything was okay. His asleep, but even asleep I can tell his in rough condition. What was I thinking leaving that idiot alone?! With a head full of Korea, no less!

“I knew it.” She says.

I pause. “Knew what, Peg?” I ask.

“You left half of yourself back there, now his here. Now you can be whole. Both of you. Oh and before you object, the spare room is his. His staying and that’s final. And you can make the adoption official, because his mine now too.” She says confidently. God I love this woman!!!

I pick him up, and can immediately tell that his lost weight. His definitely too light. He leans into my touch, smiling. It’s like he knows we are finally together again.

When I try place him on the bed, he digs his bony hands into my arms, refusing even in his sleep. Peg is smiling. I would normally just sleep beside him, but there is a vast difference between a camp of accepting friends and back home.

She waves off my concerns, “Join him, it’s okay” she assures. “He needs you” she adds and looks so sad that there has to be a story. I’ll find out later. “Besides, it’s okay. It’s okay to love him. His very easy to love.” She assures. I love this woman! My wife is amazing!

I manage to settle us in the bed, and put my arms around his waist. He settles closer against my chest and relaxes. There is no way to explain how much I love the man in my arms. How right it feels to have him against me. I feel the warmth of his skin. I feel his heartbeat. I drift off into nightmare free sleep.

I wake from the best sleep I have had since coming home. His awake and smiling. He is calm. “I knew it was you. You smell good.” He says softly.

“I’m glad your here. Can you forgive me? I got caught up in my head. I should have just written back” I apologise.

He nods. “I thought you hated me. It hurt” he says softly. There is no anger. No blame. Just a cold emptiness.

The words hurt. But I know better than to place blame on him for his reaction. His always felt rejection strongly. He is so quick to assume someone has abandoned him. Like if a friend didn’t reply to multiple letters for monthes. I should have known better. “I could never hate you. Even Peg loves you already. I’m sure Erin will too” I reassure.

He yawns. “Is it really okay? Us, I mean. I don’t want to get you into trouble. Peg is a good woman. And Erin” he says, so honestly concerned that I laugh.

“Peg wants to adopt you. Peg’s attached. We are safe here. We can discuss everything later.” I assure. “Besides, I’m more concerned with what’s going on with you. You really don’t look all that good. When your healthy, all three of us can decide what we are going to do” I add. He seems satisfied with that.

He yawns again and settles against me. It doesn’t take long before his sleeping.

Peg comes into the room a few minutes later. She smiles at his sleeping form, but she looks worried. “How is he?” She asks.

“He should be okay now. His on the right track anyway. It’s best to let him sleep.” I answer easily. “Tell me what happened” I ask.

She nods. “He was at the supermarket. I recognised him from the photo you sent."she started. "I introduced myself, he didn’t seem interested but he didn’t seem interested in anything. I could tell he wasn’t okay... I was talking to him when he had a bad panic attack." she spoke, she was trying not to gret too worked up. "As I was calming him, I could tell that despite needing touch, no one had held him a while... He asked what he had done to make you hate him." she said, and he could feel her despair. "It was awful. He just assumed that he had caused the rejection. When I told him that you didn’t, he just released all that emotion. I don’t know where he found the energy. I was sure the panic attack would wipe him out. He still needed reassurance that you didn’t hate him. Poor child. After all that, how could I not take him home?” She explained tears in her eyes.

BJ listened, and tried to ignore the guilt. Hearing that Hawkeye had had a panic attack almost sent him into one! The man was constantly anxious but he had seemed to mediate that by staying in close contact with him. All the touches, holds and closer than normal contact had served to anchor him. With no one serving that role, panic attacks were to be expected.

Not paying attention to surroundings could be many things...he would need to investigate that further.

He felt guilty; Hawkeye had assumed that he had been rejected, that he was hated...and this had gone on how many weeks?! No wonder Hawk wasn’t looking good! No wonder he had lost weight!

All this would be fixed. It had to be. First task: catalog the damage. Only then could they make a battle plan.


	4. Chapter 4

** Brightest star  **

**Disclaimer:** I do not own MASH or any of its property. I make no profit off this work and do not intend to. I write to entertain. 

**Pairings:** Hawkeye/BJ 

**Warnings:** goodbyes, war, depression, anxiety, panic attacks, repression, ptsd, trauma, war related trauma, period typical homophobia. 

**Summary:** The war is over and everyone has gone home. Our two local idiots in love are idiots (in love). Hawkeye finds it hard to adjust and BJ is busy pretending the war never happened. Can BJ make up for it by saving Hawkeye? Well, Peggy will surely give a go! ADHD!Hawkeye, Autistic!Hawkeye, Neurodivergent!Hawkeye, Autistic!BJ, Neurodivergent!BJ

**Spoilers:** none

**AN:** Set after the series finale. The war is over and everyone has gone home. ADHD!Hawkeye, Autistic!Hawkeye, Neurodivergent!Hawkeye, Autistic!BJ, Neurodivergent!BJ

The morning came earlier than either Hawk or BJ expected. For once Hawkeye felt rested...maybe not well rested, but certainly not like a walking corpse. He had forgotten how warm BJ was...maybe on purpose, after all who wants to know what they are missing out on, what they were not allowed to have? He was still surprised that BJ’s wife was okay with this. Would she still be okay with it knowing that this was more than two army buddies missing each other, each having bonded over something as traumatic as war? If she knew that he actually loved her husband...would he still be welcome? He was still on thin ice here, even in this place of great comfort, he hoped he would not forget that. 

BJ noticed Hawkeye has woken, he was glad his friend didn’t pull away though; he never wanted to let go. Ever. Hawkeye would be saved, and would be his. Well his and Pegs. Hawkeye would never need to fall into a depression that bad again, because he would always be loved here. Hawkeye would know how much BJ loved him, how much Peg loved him already. And god help anyone who would try to part them! If the police came knocking, he would insist they all share a cell, because not even the law was big enough to stop this. 

Peggy was watching them from the doorway, she was feeling calmer now that the initial crisis was over. It had been frightening but she knew better than to give in so easily. She was glad she had brought Hawkeye home, her husband looked happy and calm. Her husband was smiling for the first time since returning from the war. A genuine smile. For the first night since, BJ had not had a single nightmare. Yes, Hawkeye was going to be a welcome addition to the family. She would welcome the help, her husband was a good husband but he could get into these moods and nothing could be done for it. Besides, maybe Hawkeye would like Erin. Yes, a third in thier marriage wasn’t a bad idea at all. And “taking in a war hero” was the perfect cover, who could argue that was a bad thing? That it was illegal? Surely a child having both thier parents and thier “uncle” support them was also a positive thing. More attention. More love. More support. More care. More emotional support. Yes, a Hunnicut-Pierce relationship would work. 

Finally they got out of bed, finally hungry enough to be moved to action. Peggy was making breakfast. Just eggs and bacon on toast. Nothing fancy. Still it was _real_ eggs and _real_ bacon. And toast that was from bread _baked that week!_ And butter that wasn’t _made from powder!_

Hawkeye could smell it from the bedroom. Despite initial reluctance, after all he was not sure what his place was in this home just yet, he admitted that he was hungry. The eggs smelled wonderful! The bacon too! He was still exhausted but he felt more alive than he had on months. Even if that was simply a spark, a promise of a fire. 

Peggy had made enough for at least 6 people...somehow sensing, or hoping, that Hawkeye would be encouraged to eat his fill. Or at least eat more than he had been recently. She, of course, turned out to be right. She watched him poke at the scrambled eggs, sniffing each mouthful, before actually eating it. He seemed transfixed by the taste, like he was eating ambrosia. It was a slow process but she kept the eggs hot. 

She had heard in thier letters about the horrid mess tent food. How it was all older than they were, or so it tasted anyway. 

Still, she was glad she could do this for him. She wasn’t sure how easily he would trust her, at least outside a crisis. Her husband could provide the physical affection needed, but she wanted to let him know he was loved too. Food seemed to help. 

She had been told he was fussy. She thought back to when Erin had been younger, how she had seemed fussy too. What had helped back then was giving Erin a choice, well as much of a choice as could be given, and observing what was liked and what was loathed. Maybe she could try a more grown up approach to this....she had an idea. 

“Dear, do you think you could help me with the grocery shop today? Maybe Hawkeye would like to help too. You know Erin likes car rides too.” She suggested casually. 

BJ could see his wife had a plan. “Sounds like fun!” He agreed, “How about it Hawk?” He asked. 

Hawkeye didn’t know what they wanted him to say, but it didn’t seem like a bad decision. And he could be helpful to them. So he nodded his agreement. 

In the car, BJ turned to Hawk, “Let me know if it gets too much, okay? Peg can handle things” he assured. The whole trip BJ kept a firm hold on Hawks arm. Hawk leant into the touch and held BJ’s hand. Both were still calm. 

Peggy smiled at them. “Oh and Hawkeye, you’re staying with us awhile so make sure to pick out some things you like. Don’t worry too much about it, okay?” She said, knowingly using her “mum” voice. Sweetly spoken but with just enough of a an edge that this wasn’t merely an offer. She expected him to choose foods he liked and he would do as asked. She expected it because he deserved it, not because of a threat of punishment.

He picked up on it and didn’t seem to know what to say. He managed a nod. 

They reached the store and parked. “You up for this Hawk? Sure it’s not too much?” BJ asked his best friend worriedly. 

Hawkeye nodded, smiling reassuring. It seemed to work. 

The store was quiet. Peggy went to get a trolley and sort out Erin. 

They went to the cereal isle, Erin at watched the products go by as she was pushed in the trolley. Suddenly she seem to fuss. BJ immediately jumped to concern but Peggy smiled and grabbed the cereal from the shelf. “She wants the Fruit Loops” Peggy said knowingly. “I let her have it once at a diner and created a little monster” she joked. 

BJ burst out laughing and even Hawkeye was smiling in amusement. “That’s my girl!” BJ said proudly. 

Seemingly encouraged by this, Hawkeye finally broke free from the group and turned his eye to the wall of cereals. Finally he paused, he hadn’t thought this far ahead. Sure he had thought about what foods he liked, and he had even decided on the first item he wanted. This was all a major step, but it was theoretical. Actually putting it in the cart...that was...an actual thing. “Cocoa Pops?” He heard BJ ask and flinched, the resulting crash of the cereal box hitting the floor made him flinched again. Just when had the box made it into his hand?! 

He felt a hand on his back and focussed on his breathing. Finally calm, he picked up the cereal box, aside from a dent, it was okay. BJ took it from his hand and fixed it. Then put it in the trolley ignoring Hawkeye’s undignified squeak of protest. BJ smirked, “Come along Hawk” he said casually with a devious smirk. 

The process continued. BJ found Hawk staring at the vanilla ice cream as they passed the freezer isle, suddenly a tub of ice cream was in the cart. BJ ignored Hawkeye’s embarrassment and continued on like nothing had happened. BJ vanished for a moment, reappearing with chocolate topping and sprinkles of different kinds. He looked proud of himself.

Even so, BJ stopped after that...Hawkeye had gone quiet. Probably exhausted by now. He certainly seemed it. 

They kept shopping, Hawk following them at his own pace; hanging behind somewhat. He hadn’t spoken since, nor showed interest in any items. Even when they asked him something, he just looked away, embarrassed. BJ didn’t know what to make of it, but it made him uneasy. It wasn’t like he hadn’t seen Hawk at his worst in Korea, but somehow the fact they were in a brightly lit supermarket in USA seemed to amplify the behaviour. Maybe because it seemed so out of place in a nice neat supermarket with nice neat American families(stay at home mum, working dad and 2.5 kids) that had nice neat homes and nice neat cars...anything even vaguely odd stood out. 

In Korea, insanity was no more common than the flu, and nothing to be too concerned with. In the USA, insanity in its mildest form was everything to be concerned about and any small deviance could bring ruin. BJ didn’t like this thought. It made Korea, the semi free country torn by war that starred loud shells and surprise land mines, seem more free than the peaceful free land that was the USA. 

He kept an eye on his friend. While there was no obvious sign of distress, BJs instincts told him different. 

Hawkeye had a small piece of fabric in his hand, something that looked silky, and was rubbing his thumb over it. It was sewn onto the back of another square of fabric, that looked like it had come from a stuffed children’s toy. A button was sewn into a corner. Something about it was familiar but BJ couldn’t place it. Still, it seemed precious to Hawk. 

BJ kept a protective eye on his friend. He didn’t want to crowd him though. 

They were done soon enough, Peggy gave him a smile and nodded. He knew what that meant, he was off duty. She could handle the rest. He hesitated but she had given him the ‘I can handle things myself, what did you think I was doing while you were in Korea?! Raising your child and and taking care of the house!’ talk before. She was right too. So he nodded back and went to Hawkeye. 

Hawkeye didn’t look up at him when he approached, but he didn’t flinch away either. When BJ brushed his arm, Hawk pressed himself closer instinctively. “Hey, let’s wait in the car, okay?” 

BJ suggested softly. Hawk didn’t speak but he did nod slightly. It was enough. 

BJ gently led Hawk to the car, keeping the slow cautious pace Hawk set. Hawkeye did seem unsteady, but not like when he was drunk, more like a child’s unsteady steps as they learned how to walk for the first time. He didn’t have time to consider the matter further. His focus was on his friend. 

Hawk took his seat in the car, somehow both relaxing and tensing at the same time (that man had always been a contradiction wherever he could be, however impossible). Then the tears appeared. Hawk drew his knees close and hugged tightly, hyperventilating. Though his tears were silent, his entire body shook with the effort. 

BJ immediately pulled Hawk close, in the privacy of the car they could be as deviant as they wanted to be. He held the crying man in a tight hold, rubbing his back and softly speaking platitudes. When Hawk finally calmed, he just pressed himself as close as he could get and refused to move. BJ was fine with that. 

“You alright, Hawk? Was that like back in Korea, when everything was too much?” BJ asked quietly. He felt a nod against his chest. 

BJ didn’t need to see Hawkeye to know that he probably felt guilty for making a fuss. “It’s okay. I’m not mad at you. Nor is Peg. It’s okay. I just want to help you.” He assured. 

Hawkeye didn’t reply but he did relax further. 

“It’s okay, I won’t force you to speak. I might need you to nod or shake your head, but that’s it” BJ assured. “Right now though, I just want you to focus on deep calm breaths. Leave everything else to me. It’s okay if you fall asleep” he gently ordered. 

Hawkeye didn’t reply but did as asked. He was fast asleep by the time Peggy brought the groceries to the car. 

Peggy put Erin in the baby seat in the front seat. She checked on her boys. Hawk was clinging to her husband like a child, fast asleep but still seeking comfort. He seemed okay now. BJ smiled at her, “his okay. It was just a bit much for him. He was always sensitive to everything back in Korea”. 

Peggy nodded understandingly. “Erin gets the same way sometimes” she commented. 

BJ wasn’t surprised. “He will sleep it off” he assured her. 

When they got home, he managed to manoeuvre Hawk into his arms and carry him into the house. He set him down on the sofa and helped Peggy put everything away (and keep an eye on Erin). 

Peggy appreciated the help, but couldn’t help but think that BJ was needed elsewhere. “Stay with him, I’ll be fine handling Erin” she gently encouraged. 

BJ nodded, glad for it, he was still worried about Hawkeye. His friend was still sleeping, to his relief, but it was only a matter of time before nightmares started up. He slipped in behind Hawkeye, and wrapped him in a tight hold. It didn’t take long for Hawk to relax and slip into a more comfortable sleep. Just as they had done in Korea. 

It was hours later that they both woke up, completely comfortable. Hawkeye belonged in his arms. He always had. 


End file.
